Kirkland Ciccone

Kirkland Ciccone On Twitter

2009-07-12T06:46:00.000-07:00

http://twitter.com/KirklandCiccone

I'm still not too clued up on how it works. It's going to be kept 'small' because I don't want to get right into yet another social networking site. I'm busy!

I Have A Literary Agent

2009-07-12T06:06:00.000-07:00

I've been signed up to a proper literary agency in London and the boss (Yasmin) is very enthusiastic and lovely. They've managed to get some writers good deals with Walker Books and Orchard Publishing so when everything is prepared it will be my turn. I'll get to work on that as soon as these shows are finished. Then the relevant publishers will be approached. I'm going to throw a celebratory party and then head to London. Zoe Marriott (a very good writer) is managed by her too. This is a good thing.

I thank you!

K x

Don't Book Me For Any More Shows!

2009-07-06T03:04:00.000-07:00

I can't do anymore right now after these next batch of shows are over. Something very big is possibly about to happen for me. I can't say anymore but I'll update you very soon.

A Nice Wee Preview Of The Dead Don't Sue...

2009-06-29T13:24:00.000-07:00

Some Actors Are Such Pains In The Arse! Kirkland Will Triumph Against Them!

2009-06-25T11:10:00.000-07:00

As you know I am someone that goes around different theatres putting on my self-penned (and I hope witty) one man shows. I find myself associating with these thespian types and overall they are a rather lovely bunch.

But there are a rare few that walk around sniffing loudly as though they're inhaling some kind of mystic cologne. They're loud and annoying. They want you to know they're actors. You must know they act. You simply must, darling!

I had to suffer this kind of degradation only two days ago when I got into a fight with a Scottish actor whose performance in a play I attended left me gasping for less.

(His name will remain unknown to you as it will to the world in general. For the sake of this narrative I shall call him Colin. Colin is a very anonymous name!)

The play was very good. The audience were a bit restless and I think I was the youngest person in it. I'm no expert but I did think that certain things about the play could have been cut out: the play's first half and Colin's heart.

The aftershow party (I get invites to those too and then I write lovely things about it) was rather nice until Colin tramped over and started blabbing about himself.

"That was simply dreadful," he said in his curious American accent, "They wouldn't treat Robert Carlyle like this."

"What does Robert Carlyle have to do with the play?" I asked politely as I sipped Irn-Bru from a glass. Posh, I know.

"I was in his latest movie," Colin beamed gloriously. I later discovered Colin was an extra in the background drinking a bowl of soup.

As we all talked in our little group and endured Colin's interjections, I decided there was something I simply had to know.

"Which part of American do you come from?"

Colin looked at me as though I'd just hurled his baby from a bus.

"I'm from Falkirk."

I nearly dropped my glass of Irn-Bru.

"Falkirk?! Were you raised in America?"
"No, it's just for the stage. I'm in character."
"As what?" I was dumbfounded. I felt like I'd been led into a foxtrot of forwards motion.

Later on when Colin got drunk he started shouting stuff about, "Stop the war! It's illegal." I had to run from him as I left the bar and he drunkenly chased me asking for my MySpace address in his pretend American accent.

"Fuck off!" I screamed. "I'm an illusion."

And then I tripped on my pointy white shoes which are now scuffed thanks to that awful man.

Let me once again say that my experiences at theatres in Scotland have been nothing short of wonderful. People are very dedicated and skilled. They work long hours for nothing more than a small wage (when they deserve more) and artistic satisfaction. So it must grate on their sensibilities to encounter such nutjobs. You get them in every profession. Why should the theatre or arts in general be different?

A Secret History Of Cumbernauld (The Finale)

2009-06-18T14:29:00.000-07:00

It has been another frantic week for me. First off I'd like to post the little piece that was written about me in the Cumbernauld News and The Kilsyth Chronicle. It's very strange but the quotes are mine even if the headline is not. "The Bitch Is Back." My God I must come across as a demonic bitchmonster in print. I am a man! We men cannot be bitches! It's uploaded for your eyes below.

The Sign Of The Fourth Gig

So there I am happily booking some lucrative gigs for myself when I am called upon by some local councillors to contribute to the Words 2009 Festival. I nearly put myself forward for Live Literature Scotland database which would have allowed people to 'book me' for any gigs but I felt slightly like a sinister prostitute and decided that I would only do gigs I wanted to do and thus would seek out places that I would perform if they were cool enough. Thus I am not available to just 'hire' like a common horse. If I do something it's something I have written and it's at a venue I like.

"What do you want me to do? It can't be September or November as I'm fully booked."
"We want you to do A Secret History Of Cumbernauld in October."

I was born on Friday 13th October.

"No!"
"We've got Will Self and Christopher Brookmyre on the lineup.
"YES!" I screamed. "YES! YES! YES!"

Afterwards I cried out, "Praise Jesus!" even though I don't go to Church.

So I'm now booked to do A Secret History Of Cumbernauld one last time. The terms are very favourable indeed. I am booked alongside Will fucking Self and Chris bloody Brookmyre!!!!

Battle Of The Bands!

So I'm sipping on a cup of tea, minding my own business and chatting with my great friend Claire on the phone when suddenly I get an email from a friend (the fab Artistic Director) who works at one of the theatres I've performed at.

"One of the judges has dropped out for our Battle Of The Bands. You've written for loads of online publications and you had a column. You're qualified! Want to do it?"

I wasn't sure I would be any good. It's this Saturday. I also did regional A&R for One Little Indian records who didn't like my taste in music even though most of the bands I tipped have now been signed by rival labels. I saw We Were Promised Jetpacks in NME this week getting a great review.

I tipped them nearly two years ago.

"If it helps I'll do it."

Then I spoke to Claire again:

"Claire, fancy a trip to the Theatre?"
"Sounds good!"
"Let's hope."

And I laughed maniacally at my crap joke.

The Dead Don't Sue

I've been editing clips all week for it. I've been writing the material. I'm getting it done! My sister was a test subject and she nearly peed herself at the Patty Becomes Tania moment. Let's hope the audience (if I get one) love it too. My sister is always nearly 'peeing herself' because her tear ducts are very close to her bladder! I'll put up one of the clips on YouTube for you to see soon.

The Dead Don't Sue (The Macrobert Theatre :: 25/09/09)
A Secret History Of Cumbernauld (TBC :: October 2009)
Kirkland Ciccone Plays Pop! (The FTH :: 06/11/09
TBC at The Cumbernauld Theatre (TBC :: April 2010?)

I'm also helping judge a Battle Of The Bands on Saturday. Hurrah!

I AM NOT A BITCH!!!!! (I am a man who happens to have zany promos)

2009-06-18T14:28:00.001-07:00

OOOH. Good News Possibly...

2009-06-15T03:37:00.001-07:00

I went for a meeting the other day about taking part in a festival. I'll let you know when things are confirmed...

The Phonecall & The Screaming Dog

2009-06-09T10:11:00.000-07:00

It has been a very busy week for me. I spent Sunday prancing about Glasgow's West End being filmed with a plastic Oscar statue doing normal things like going into Iceland for biscuits, skipping down the street with my bag, walking in a daze around the Botanic Gardens and more. It was filmed for a small segment in The Dead Don't Sue. Remember folks, it's at The Macrobert. Oh I can't wait! Things are coming together slowly but the hard work really begins. Then I get to work and finish off stuff for Kirkland Ciccone Plays Pop. I'll visit The FTH soon to have some wee progress updates for that.

But meanwhile..

I got a phonecall today from a nice lady who wants to hire me for Words 2009. It's a nice wee festival held by the local council and they want me, Mr. Kirkland Ciccone, to do something.

"No," I said as I munched on a fruit shortie, "I don't think so. I'm not doing that stuff anymore."

She didn't tell me what she wanted me to do but it's probably a relaunch of A Secret History series. I doubt the council would allow me to put on a mini performance of my 'in the making' show Kirkland Ciccone Loves Mrs Slocombe's Pussy.

"We'd love you to do something. Come and meet us on Friday and we'll discuss it."
"Who else has been hired for Words 2009?"
"Oh, we've got Will Self..."

I screamed.

"Are you alright Mr Ciccone?!"
"Yes," I gasped, "God yes. That wasn't me screaming, it was my dog, she needs out."

???

So I'm off to see them on Friday and I'll possibly have a new booking for a show. It just depends whether or not I want to do it, what they're paying me and what amount of control I can have. I hate people trying to rewrite my PR stuff or interfere. But imagine me being in the same festival as the likes of Will Self? That is fantastic isn't it? That's a brochure I'd frame I think.

Some Like It Not!

2009-05-20T11:35:00.000-07:00

The Humiliation In Falkirk!

2009-05-09T09:12:00.000-07:00

Today is a very wet day indeed. I was meant to be going out tonight to Tronic in Glasgow but there is a Rangers/Celtic match on and it brings out all the crazies. I should know - my older brother proudly wears his Rangers strip (shoplifted I assume) and screams all sorts of stuff about Celtic. People get so obsessed over football. I never did understand that. So you couldn't pay me to go to Glasgow tonight. On the way here someone zoomed by me in a car draped with an Irish flag. I'm sure there's a connection. But what?

The Face Wipe Hell

I decided to go into Falkirk earlier this morning to use the library. When I got ready to go out I decided to use a packet of wet face wipes one of my sisters left behind and clean my face. All day I've been getting stared at by everybody from the bus driver to the woman in Waterstones. I thought it was the sight of my frog umbrella but when I got in and looked at my face I saw what they were all seeing.

My face is covered in big streaks. It wasn't wet faces wipes I picked up this morning...

It was tanning wipes.

It took me a few moments to process this. Hmph. I think I screamed when I saw my face. Now I consider myself something of an unconventional beauty but I looked ridiculous even by my standards.

Kirkland Ciccone & The Real Life Soap Opera

2009-05-01T10:39:00.000-07:00

Hello People!

This week I will be slightly busy writing material and doing a few small things for my shows. They potentially make a bit of money for me if the tickets sell so I've got to do it as best as I can. Plus I am in charge of everything I do. So this week I'll be travelling around getting a few things done. They take place later in the year but I still need to get pictures, brochures, posters etc dealt with early because of the schedule the venues have. I've got a few wee films to shoot for various things including 'Kirkland Ciccone Performs The Hits Of NWA".

So what happened in the last few weeks? You will not believe me but this is the truth:

1) I have sacked my agent for being a fan of Razorlight
2)My brother's shiny new bus ticket has driven me insane with envy.

My brother, who once robbed a well known supermarket ten years ago with the aid of his machete, has reaped the benefits of this via the power of a bus ticket.

I swear this is true. It's like an episode of Shameless. I should have been middle class.

My brother is a mad heroin fiend. Yes, he fucking loves it. Well this week he told me that he's getting new teeth. I got into a small conversation about bus fares. That's when he pulled out his bus card. It's one of those cards pensioners use to travel everywhere for free.

"You've got a free bus pass?! How?!" I gasped.
"I'm disabled."
"Mentally," I hissed.
A fight ensued.

It seems that after a bungled robbery of (CENSORED SUPERMARKET CHAIN) years ago when he fell down the stairs/got kicked by security guards down the stairs outside (there are two version of this) and broke his legs, one of his knees is damaged and he can't work. Not only that, he beat up his anger management coach.

People say Crime Doesn't Pay. They are lying. It paid for my brother's bus pass, his new fire place, his clothes, his new teeth and his girlfriend's potential new tits. The system is being worked by devious people! Devious people whose anger management coaches tremble in fear of them!

My brother has his medical people convinced he's insane.

Perhaps we all are.

Phew!

2009-05-01T09:17:00.000-07:00

The Dead Don't Sue is coming along nicely.

Kirkland Ciccone Plays Pop!

2009-04-01T09:56:00.000-07:00

The title for my show at The FTH is now Kirkland Ciccone Plays Pop. I did consider calling it Dad You're A Square but that might be going too far into surrealism which I do sometimes. Expcect pop music videos, some laughs, a discussion about pop music from the fifties and of course a few other vids of me doing crap dance routines.

It's on 6th November 2009!

Kirkland @ MacRobert In Stirling

2009-02-26T13:45:00.000-08:00

I've just had an email from the MacRobert Theatre in Stirling. It's very good and puts on quality productions. And I'm off to meet them next week to discuss a performance of The Dead Don't Sue. The contract (discussed via email) is very good indeed. These things can change though.

This means I've got three big performances (FTH, Cumbernauld Theatre and MacRobert) with three different subjects rather than a tour of the same stuff. How ambitious of me!

I'm getting photos taken soon for these shows. I can dress up!

I'll keep you updated.

Hello!

2009-02-17T05:11:00.001-08:00

May 2010 Cumbernauld Theatre. Hurrah! Still deciding what I'll do though.

The Annie/Anthonio Incident

2009-01-28T09:37:00.000-08:00

Some of you might know that I'm a superfan of Annie. Annie is the cool popstar that indie kids love. Her new song is called Anthonio and up until a few hours ago I hadn't heard it. You see it's under lock and key. I have been posting every day on a certain forum asking when I'll hear Anthonio.

I was only half-joking.

And then I received this PM:

So I followed the instructions thinking that perhaps this was a pisstake. However certain clues helped me deduce that this was no joke! And I got the phone call.

Anthonio is fantastic.

Annie - I Know UR Girlfriend Hates Me

I'm still busy working on some things.

The FTH Have Booked Me For Next Year

2008-11-18T12:24:00.001-08:00

The FTH have asked me to come back and do another one man show as the last one went so well. The Date will be the 6th November but don't worry, I'll be doing some other stuff before then so keep an eye out and check out my site for more news.

Hurrah!

I Sold Out A Secret History!

2008-11-06T15:59:00.000-08:00

Thank you to everyone who came tonight to the FTH and sorry to those who couldn't get in. I heard a few of you were stuck outside. What a night! The first half was slightly muted but the second half was super and my clips of the Falkirk Wheel laser cannon was a favourite bit.

K x

Pictures/Pictures/Of You/Together!

2008-07-23T13:53:00.000-07:00

I'm getting an early interview with the Falkirk Herald for A Secret History Of Falkirk in the next week or so which means a wider audience will get to see the wonderful promo photographs that were taken of me last week. I look rather cool in them. The others are getting too old now. Me at my grumpy party needs to be replaced by me...somewhere else. I won't say yet. There will be some more information on my forthcoming Kirkland Ciccone's Moany Pony mini-album in that interview, with luck. The demos are a bit scratchy but that will be eradicated when I'm in the studio properly and that happens at the end of this month. I've booked time in a Glasgow recording studio for a few spoken word and diy-pop tracks. I'm too busy to do much else because of these two things. I want to do a few little gigs to promote Moany Pony.

A new version of Emo Boy will be on it. Stop Calling Me Harry Potter will be on it because I love it. The Goblin Queen Of Channel Four should be on it. I'm obsessed with trash culture and I hate it at once. How schizo of me!

Professional Victims - At Large

2008-07-15T10:58:00.000-07:00

http://www.at-largemagazine.com/fame/nonfic/ciccone.html

A feature commissioned by At Large for myself to write!

A Secret History Of Falkirk!

2008-07-02T06:19:00.000-07:00

Early promo is starting for my warped history lesson which takes place at the FTH in November. How wonderful! Expect to see posters and an interview with me in the Falkirk Herald soon. Between that and recording Kirkland Ciccone's Moany Pony, I'm BUSY which is why I've not been able to get any sunlight. Honestly, a bottle of milk is two shades darker than myself.

Duffy: Round Two - Ding Ding!

2008-06-29T11:26:00.000-07:00

I've just turned on the television on to see some of the BBC's Glastonbury coverage only to be faced with the bombed blondshell that is Duffy. It's apt that she's sharing a field with all the other cows.

Doctor Who was amazing though.

Duffy: Round One - Ding Ding!

2008-06-22T13:26:00.000-07:00

I've just read about how Johnny Rotten from The Sex Pistols shouted at Duffy when she dared invade his personal space at some awards ceremony. Quite right too. I'd probably scream if Duffy tried to touch me. Who the hell does she think she is? Mary Weiss? Thank heavens at least one rock star is willing to tell the bombed blondshell to fuck off. That moron from The Courteeners has seemingly told the press he wants to duet with her thus killing off what little respect he currently has. Can you imagine anything more horrific than a Duffy/Courteeners duet? It would be like watching two singing rats having it off and spreading their baleful nest of boring music across the country.

Duffy is to credible music what the Ku Klux Klan are to African Americans. They are in direct opposition.

I do wish Duffy would shut up about Warwick Avenue. I don't give a hoot about her or her fat ex boyfriend. Why has her album sold so much? Who is buying into the package? I honestly can't grasp it. I don't want to grasp it.

I Hate James Patterson :: A Rant

2008-06-21T15:05:00.000-07:00

I'm going to write a proper novel one day and I have already met with people about this but I've got too much to do elsewhere right now: my live shows (a forthcoming gig for my EP and A Secret History Of Falkirk plus something quite big I won't say anything about yet) so I haven't had a chance to properly write my book. I read voraciously and get books every week. I love fiction and non-fiction, I love crime and thrillers, I love comedy and detective stories. I love different sorts of writers and I enjoy seeing how they write and I absorb the fruits of their imaginations.

There is, however, one author whose imagination I don't respect. I hate this man with all the venom contained in my soul. I hate him so much. He is a crime writer in that his writing is criminally bad. I've just read one of his books and it was literally a death scene in my hands.

James Patterson. How has he gotten away with his crimes against good literature? I don't know him personally but he must be a dreadful man if his books are anything to go by. If you've read one of his books then you don't need to pick up another because they're all the same dreadful crap.

James Patterson should be respected for his savvy gained in his years working as an advertising executive. But as a writer he should not be respected ever. His training and abilities in advertising have helped him to perfect a formula of writing basic stories that sell and sell and sell. Dumb books for dumb shit for brains fuckwits.

So here is the formula. Write a book with chapters that last about a page and a half long, make the chapters end on a cliffhanger, make the characters vapid twats and give the books short snappy titles which all sound the same: 1st To Die, 2nd Chance, 7th Heaven etc. And then flog them to horrible people who see Agatha Christie as too old fashioned and irrelevant.

Then there are his books for teenagers. Oh my God. I am sure he doesn't write them. I am willing to bet he writes a rough outline and gets some fool to write them. Maximum Ride indeed. If you are a teenager or you like stories written in that genre then ignore these awful books and go and read the Peter Abrahams Echo Falls Mysteries instead. They are amazing. Ingrid Levin-Hill is my favourite new character in fiction and Down The Rabbit Hole is a new classic.

And James Patterson? Avoid his books and beg your granny to do the same.

In Bed With Kirkland Ciccone

2008-05-04T14:29:00.001-07:00

My latest one man show In Bed With Kirkland Ciccone was a success and I literally had people falling off their chairs in laughter. Goodness knows why when I was being deadly serious! I have, sadly, broken my toe and can barely walk. This is a minor setback though.

However! HELP THE POOR is getting recorded and though the quality is probably going to be really crap I don't care. It's fun and funny. Listen to my podcast to hear what to expect.

I have also had a piece of fiction published in cool American magazine At Large. Here is the online version for you to read. Take a little look.

Speak to you soon.

K x

I Work As Regional A&R For A Well Known Record Label...

2008-03-12T08:03:00.000-07:00

I get paid to tip bands that I would go and see anyway. It's rather fun! I don't have much power if any at all but I do get to speak to the head honchos and loads of free CDs from labels. What a lark! Some of the bands I hate, some I love. If only I lived in London I would be able to get into loads of gigs for bugger all. Glasgow's scene is amazing though.

But the last band I tipped were shite. I know this. And hilariously, this is what my boss (who must remain nameless) said:

i find the XXXXX XXXXXXX a bit average a bit too much influced by you know all these UK bands like XXX XXXXXXXXXX etc, i prefer XX 5 XXXXX (the first band I tipped who are totally amazing and will get a record deal) to be honest. not blown away about XXXXX XXX (a band from Falkirk I really like!), a bit too cheesy but they are a weird mix between a dance poppy band and am emo band, well they need to develop, the vocals aren't amazing.

I must try harder. The problem with the UK scene (from my own perspective) is that it's either post Libertines shit or nu-rave which won't endure. There's precious little inbetween! One band I went to see were all dressed like that fucking tramp Pete Doherty. Why is he still alive? What we need is a musical massacre. I could send Mutya in. Or my brother - who is still doing time for a heinous crime.

I Really Hate The Sugababes Now...

2008-03-12T08:00:00.000-07:00

The Latest Incarnation Of The Sugababes Make Me Doubt The Existence Of God!

What we need is Mutya to stage a particularly violent comeback. I'd pay to see that video. This rage in me about the Sugababes, yes I mean that seriously, started as a minor irk that has slowly grown into severe indignation. I don't mind pop groups evolving and changing their sounds, it's the Madonna way, but if they change into the piss poor photocopy currently wearing the Sugababes name right now, then it's pointless. I have said to everyone that the Sugababes now do Sugababes covers. Literally.

I might write a verse with my harmonica called The Latest Incarnation Of The Sugababes Make Me Doubt The Existence Of God! It would be really funny. Or not. Check back soon.

Cumbernauld Theatre

2008-03-12T07:20:00.001-07:00

Book tickets for my show! Or Die!

HERE

Promo has been slow because I'm too busy preparing the actual content. I'll have to come up with a good publicity grabbing stunt. Or, to save me time, YOU can come up with one. Send me your ideas to get more publicity (no nudity allowed - I don't want to give the public nightmares) by send an email.

HERE

Thank you!

Official Poster

2008-03-02T12:01:00.000-08:00

This is for In Bed With Kirkland Ciccone. I like it a lot.

The Haverin Times

2008-02-27T09:41:00.001-08:00

The Narcoleptic Blues, a cut from my forthcoming spoken word album, was included in cool Scottish podcast The Haverin Times. Thank you!

The Secret History Of Falkirk

2008-02-21T05:06:00.000-08:00

It's officially confirmed as November 6th 2008. I'll need to research it all and try and get everything done. Goodness, I'm busy aren't I? I think I'll wear a t-shirt in honour of my favourite new Falkirk band IdiotCut. They are amazing.

The Goblin Queen Of Channel Four (Gillian McKeith Diss)

2008-01-30T11:02:00.000-08:00

So in the next few weeks as a bit of a distraction I go into a local studio to record my very own silly spoken word album. I'm armed with a load of demos and the views of you lot as to what should go on the album.So I've uploaded The Goblin Queen Of Channel Four which is the redone version of my old Gillian McKeith diss.

He he he.

So listen to it and hopefully you have a wee chuckle. And if it's not funny, let me know.

K x

One Little Indian & Other Stuff

2008-01-28T10:56:00.000-08:00

It's been a very busy week. So here is a quick recap of the events that took place over the last seven days in my best Adrian Mole impression. Or what I can recall. Some of it might have taken place on different days.

Monday

Monday was quite eventful. I got an email from a nice man at One Little Indian Records. Well, a little while ago there was an email doing the rounds to a lot of online writers from the usual music sites. They were looking for A&R men. I don't even know what that is but I emailled him and asked to do something interesting. Then I gave him a list of artists I really liked. Theoretical Girl, Land Of Talk, Cut Copy, Penny Broadhurst, Bjork etc. So on Monday I got an email and he asked if I wanted to be a regional A&R for One Little Indian. I report to him weekly all the unsigned bands I see that I think have potential and the label pay for my expenses.

How very.

Tuesday

I got recognised in the local library by a nice person. We chatted a lot of rubbish for a while. "I'm writing a book but I'm bogged down in a lot of other stuff" was my reply to his questions about what I was doing next. I explained further that I was half way there but my play and In Bed With Kirkland Ciccone (my show at the Cumbernauld Theatre in April 08) was keeping my hands tied.

"I've got a friend who works at XXXXXXX"

The XXXXXXX is a good publishing label whose name I won't divulge for obvious reasons that you are about to read. My ears pricked up. Carpe fucking diem.

"My phone has run out of power. Can I use yours for a moment?"

The number of the 'friend' was soon in my clutches. I hope he admires my audacity.

Wednesday

Went into the Starbucks in Glasgow's Buchanan Galleries with my friend Clare and then went to the cinema to see Enchanted. Heath Ledger. Dead. Shocked.

Thursday

Got a letter back from the Playwright Studio about Unacceptable Levels Of Noise. They read through it and tell me how viable it is. The crap bits I alter and voila, a workable play ready to be put on. Later that night my sister starts a fight with her girlfriend and tips the plasmascreen television on her head as she sleeps in her bed. I scream in horror!

Friday

Play my harmonica and visit my friend. Decide to revamp this site! Write questions for interviews with The $hit and Theoretical Girl. Write a bit of Popology.tv and then listen to my Theoretical Girl songs.

In Bed With Kirkland Ciccone - It Begins...

2008-01-14T09:36:00.000-08:00

Click on it for the full version. Details on how to book tickets coming soon.

Cumbernauld News: Faces Of The Year 2007

2008-01-05T07:15:00.000-08:00

Thank goodness I'm a Face Of The Year rather than Arm Of The Year. My arms are scrawny.

Simon Says

2007-12-23T08:43:00.000-08:00

It's a new spoken word verse on my official MySpace and it might or might not be about Leona Lewis and Simon Cowell. Or it could be taken as a critique of pop music in general. I love pop music, most of you will know that, but recently I've been totally unimpressed by a lot of what I hear. These are the strippers I refer to. Is this all there is? Is pop music just a load of faceless women with bigger boobs than brains writhing about with 80s electro style music in the background? Why has this happened? Who is responsible?

It's just boring now. I loathe the way that pop music has come to the point where a so-called artistic direction change is heralded in by a change of outfit. What has happened to the amazing pop stars who could give great quotes and fantastic interviews and soundbites? I envy my sisters who were teens in the 80s. God, they had some amazing pop stars like Boy George, Neneh Cherry and Morrissey. I actually saw people praising Paris Hilton’s album the other day. Worse, whilst out and about in Glasgow, I met someone who told me he could never listen to Lady Sovereign because she was ugly and he loved ‘divas’. What a moron. Lady Sovereign is a brilliant MC and utterly demure in comparison to the likes of Paris, Jentina, Lorie and The Pussycat Dolls. These people are vile and need to get their cuntuppance and soon. Yes, I used the word cuntuppance. I have never appreciated people using their looks and money to get record contracts whilst more talented people suffer. What sort of a world do we live in when Lady Sovereign struggles for airtime on the radio whilst shit like Bad Ass Strippa was played? Thank God for Girls Aloud, Cut Copy, Lady Sovereign, Betty Boo, Trash Yourself, The Dykeenies, Land Of Talk, Pet Shop Boys, Theoretical Girl and Penny Broadhurst. Without them I would be bored out of my tits with the current crop of strippers as my only musical diet.

The Christmas Number One has been compromised as well. Simon Cowell’s Creative Cancer is wreaking havoc on pop music. I am guilty of helping him become successful. I watched The X Factor. Leona Lewis has potential I don’t disagree but her songs are all shit and she’s being turned into a submissive loser, a broken hearted banshee screaming about how she loves some guy who she’s being warned against.

Jesus Disco Dancing Christ!

Anyway, Simon Says is up on my hi-fi and it perfectly sums up how I am feeling right now. Here is an old feature I wrote for Fake DIY a while ago. I think this needs to be read again!

http://www.thisisfakediy.co.uk/articles/3834.html

Merry Christmas

2007-12-20T07:32:00.000-08:00

Here's to a productive, happy Christmas for everybody. May you all get the things you want. And remember to watch Doctor Who on Christmas Day, ratings are essential.

My Christmas has been marred by the fact the police have an arrest warrant out for my brother. Something to do with violence against humanity. Oh dear. But at least Doctor Who is on! I will start to get busy after December in the run up to April.

Also, my top albums of the year as polled by all contributers to Subba Cultcha can be found here. Also, the brochure for the Cumbernauld Theatre goes up and you shall see the lovely pic of me for In Bed With Kirkland Ciccone. My play is also getting a post-Christmas tweak and some work done but so are millions of women worldwide. I'll keep you all updated about my other shows and projects.

Oh and finally, I'm going to record a spoken word album of material and put it on iTunes. I hope it's funny and witty and nasty. I'm just sorting out a few things with regards to the price. I want the album to be downloaded as one rather than give people the option to buy each 'track' individually. Why? Because some of the stories on my album are about twenty seconds long! But that won't be until some time next year. It will have some of my old favourites including Baby Basher and Jordan's Big Baby as well as some newer material of which I have loads!

I've Not Been Sacked From Popology

2007-12-12T12:48:00.000-08:00

Ha! I'm back again. I am officially reinstated. They like me, they really like me. I'm very busy right now but I've got a lot of stuff written for it that will go up soon.

FTH

2007-12-06T03:06:00.001-08:00

I'm off to meet the nice people of the Falkirk Theatre in the next fortnight to discuss something they want me to do. Oooh. It's so exciting.

The Plays The Thing

2007-12-05T14:35:00.000-08:00

Some of you will doubtlessly know that I am writing a play. It's a proper one that will be getting put on, I've just got to A) make it good and B) get it written properly and redraft it. B) is probably the same as A). Now apart from that I got a nice email from superfab pop star and spoken word artist Penny Broadhurst. She's coming to Glasgow again! Hurrah.

Oh, my play is called Unacceptable Levels Of Noise. It's set in a library and I've got access to all the material I need to write it. Ha ha.

Smarty Party

2007-12-05T05:46:00.000-08:00

Drat. The money I reaped from my Tron Theatre performance (where I brought a ghetto blaster onstage and waved my arms like a rapper to Jordan's Big Baby) has virtually evaportated on a Smarty Party with my sister. What is a Smarty Party? It's when a person gets lots of minor junk food, the sort you would find in Iceland for a fiver, and eats it greedily for no real celebratory reason. Yes. I confess it was me who ate the party Spring Rolls. Anyway, the picture below is me in a fetching green cardigan looking like a demonic Christmas tree. In the spirt of new rave I wore a cassette around my neck in a chain.

Suffice to say my own shows (April 2008 is the start of a new little tour and I begin at the Cumbernauld Theatre before going to Glasgow and The Fringe is going to become my bitch) will see me dressing in a suitable manner that does not resemble an evil festive decoration with a party hat.

I've Been Sacked From Popology

2007-12-04T14:09:00.000-08:00

The folks at Popology have sacked me for making bitchy Rachel Stevens comments.

It's not my fault she's as interesting as dog insurance! Anyway, I will continue to write for other sites, of course. And I hope you will continue to read what I write.

Or even better trudge up to Scotland and see me live. The money you pay will help fund a pair of dream silver jeans that I am desperate to buy. I just dream about my legs wrapped in those silver jeans. I'd be so sparkly! I wanted to buy them for my little gig with Licence Pending at the Tron Theatre but it didn't happen. Grrr.

Morrissey

2007-12-04T14:07:00.000-08:00

If Morrissey is a racist then he's the dumbest racist I've ever seen. No racist I have met (sadly I've met a few) expounds their bile strewn views in such a public manner, they prefer to keep their true opinions masked so they can blend in effectively. I read the NME yesterday and I honestly believe Morrissey is the victim of a superior hatchet job. His views of England are at best romantic, at worst anachronistic. We will never have a return to the days of Carry On! But his interview wasn't shockingly awful considering the front cover pronunciation. I'm afraid I can't make an informed decision on immigration control as I don't have enough facts but surely the debate should be out there rather than be silenced by the relentless moralising of a magazine who lectures on racism but fuels attacks on ageism; witness their withering assault on him from Hard-Fi because he's not as young as The View or the attacks against The Sex Pistols for having beer bellies and being...gasp...too old to be a punk band. Ageism and racism are both evil stances and the NME should have the courage of their convictions rather than attempting to use one important subject to sell more copies of their magazine. The interview itself was strange. At one point the magazine (words by NME, interview by Tim Jonze) says: "You sound like a Tory..." and Morrissey's reply is curiously vague. If I were Moz and someone called me a Tory during an interview, I'd say something back but his reply is totally at odds. It's almost as though the questions have been altered to give NME a sense of righteous indignation at the expense of the original interview.

Perhaps we should be should be discussing tighter control on immigration. It's not a light subject. It's important and it should be discussed in a mature manner.

Popology

2007-10-28T13:52:00.000-07:00

The new site I will contributing to will soon be launched. It's going to be good. It looks great. I also get a copy of Girls Aloud - Style (the new DVD) to review. Soon I will be dressing so cool, I will have to get rid of my trademark party hat!

GIGS

2007-10-27T15:25:00.000-07:00

I'm doing In Bed With Kirkland Ciccone in April 2008 and a gig with spoken word gang Licence Pending. For full details of dates and times, check out MySpace! Hurrah! In the meantime I'm working hard on Unacceptable Levels Of Noise and brand new website Popology. There's a good team behind it. More news soon.

K x

Brian Dykeenies Interview (& Some Reviews)

2007-09-26T13:53:00.000-07:00

Here is an interview with Brian from fab pop group The Dykeenies.

A review of Ewan Pearson's remix album Piece Work.

A Kid Acne Review with loads of Beastie Boys puns thrown in.

The Loyal Trooper!

A Review of an AMAZING band called Land Of Talk.

Jeffrey Lewis - My friend Alan adores him.

More soon. K x

Scream!

2007-09-09T02:57:00.001-07:00

AAAAAAAGGGGGRRRRRHHHH!

I Am Listening To..

2007-09-08T07:19:00.001-07:00

Kid Acne. He's like a male Lady Sovereign. The Loyal Trooper. He's fantastic. Ewan Pearson's new remix compilation which as a version of Ladytron's Evil which betters the original. BUT YOU CAN'T HAVE THEM. I've got them to review. They're mine. MINE!

Life Of Kirkland

2007-09-08T07:14:00.000-07:00

I've been invited to London later in the year by a group who have gained great reviews on The Guardian. It's called Twee As Fuck and they do spoken word/indie pop nights. One of my favourite singers (Theoretical Girl, she's on MySpace and she's lovely and talented) played it recently. Twee are also coming to Glasgow. I'm going to mee the wonderful Penny Broadhurst who is visiting Glasgow in September. I've also got a shit load of material to perform and practice. One is called Smeato (guess who it's about), another is called Jeremy Kyle Is A Puffy Faced Twat and there's an updated (and brilliant) version of Elaine's Ex coming soon. The original is an almost love poem that becomes a bit extreme. The updated and better version becomes a battle in which a pervy ex gets a shoe in the face. It's fab!I'm writing a play (Little Hitler Takes A Fag Break) to be performed soon at a theatre near you and I hope you come and see it, it's still being written though!

I spoke to the Citizen's Theatre in Glasgow about paying them a visit. So keep tuned. Finally, there's some reviews of bands coming to Subba Cultcha written by myself. Kid Acne's album is amazingly funny. I've got an article coming soon to legendary London punk 'zine Bubblegum Slut and there's my podcast Pop Hell coming too. 'Quite a few' people downloaded it.Now the bad news. I've become embroiled in a battle with an exceedingly unpleasant person. A woman who looks like she's halfway through a sex change. No it's not XXXXXXX XXXXXXXXXX but someone else. But I've got revenge on her and her humbled bubble butt boyfriend so I shouldn't be too upset - I passed them the other day and I decided to ignore them only for her to shriek crap at me, well, her expensive front door was dealt with so she won't shriek again. I believe in treating people with respect and kindness so when someone actually goes out their way to piss me off, I feel I have to teach them a lesson.Right, I'm off.PS My brother was found innocent of all charges.

POP HELL 3 is being recorded now.

Proof That Betty Boo Is A Pop Goddess!

2007-08-23T12:03:00.000-07:00

I put this on PopJustice fora earlier but it's far too important to be just there, it needs to be seen by my podcast listeners. Here is the absolute proof that Betty Boo is a pop goddess. Remember folks, you saw it here first.

I think I've proved this beyond a shadow of a doubt.

News & Limos

2007-08-12T04:19:00.000-07:00

I'm going to be adding to my online writing bow with Subba Cultcha. This is good because they're a fab website. Obviously I'll continue writing for Fake DIY/Neu etc (because I love them) but it's always good to whore myself out. I'm trying to write my first play which will be performed at the Cumbernauld Theatre and then others if it does well (Ed, they lovely man in charge and a friend now has asked me to do something interesting) and I'll be touring a wee show soon based on the Pop Hell format. So would you like to see me in London?

In other amazing happenings, I was in the library the other day and some old man was in telling bad jokes. His grandson was with him. It turns out his grandson gets driven to school in a limo. It turns out the boy's father is someone in The Fratellis. Oh my God. I'm in the presence of rock royalty. Indeed.

Robyn

2007-08-07T13:20:00.000-07:00

Robyn is doing well. Who could ever have guessed that would happen? Of course this is a good thing. Episode Two is up now and feature new characters called The Pop Pals. To even hint at who they are will ruin their impact. DOWNLOAD POP HELL!

By the way, I'm organising a live show soon and will give news when I get it. Hurrah slaves!

Kapranos Is 4 Real!

2007-07-29T05:37:00.000-07:00

A new look Pop Hell for you moany vulpines! But there is other important news:

Alex Kapranos (that is his name!) the lead singer of fab pop band Franz Ferdinand, has seemingly left a message for me on my column! Knowing my luck I've infuriated him. Unless it's someone taking the piss. Yes! Let it be that! Let me live in a world where the writer responsible for Take Me Out is mildly amused by what I've written. If someone is taking the piss I'll get Shirley Manson to shit in their cornflakes. Take Me Out is pop genius and if that is you Alex, then yes my name is Kirkland and did I say Take Me Out is pop genius. So is Do You Want To.

Kirkland @ Fake DIY

2007-07-21T08:20:00.001-07:00

My latest feature on my column was written in response to all the reforming bands out there. It features the Spice Girls, Take That and loads of others including one band that aren't reforming but are good for me to make a point with.

http://thisisfakediy.co.uk/kirkland/?p=28

Leave some nice comments please or I'll stamp on your heads!

K x

Where Is My Pen?

2007-07-18T16:21:00.000-07:00

Dude, Where's My Pen?

2007-07-15T04:23:00.001-07:00

It's ready. Thank God. Pop Hell has been submitted to iTunes and I'll wait to see their horrified reaction. That's nothing compared to the reactions of Joss Stone and Shayne Ward if they ever listened. Shayne Ward would storm my house to beat the shit out of me, him and his family. Anyway, there's a gaggle of new and familiar music on Pop Hell this month including The Retrosexuals from Glasgow (they are utterly brilliant), Uffie, The Tabloid Press and Theoretical Girl. If you have some fab pop I would love then send me it and I'll wrap myself around it until the life is squeezed out of the very fabric of the songs!

Send me links to pop songs at kirklandciccone@kirklandciccone.co.uk and if I like them I'll play them. Hurrah! In the meantime, get a blast of my podcast. Feel up!

2007-07-09T15:22:00.000-07:00

Our Goddess has returned. At last...

Thank you Jack Rokka for showing us the way!

The Holy Place.

Now, Judge Jules has this Betty Boo track (for she's the important one in the pop equation) on his hot tracks playlist and it's slowly climbing. That man should be knighted for services to pop (and I also include Angelic, the dance project fronted by his wife) for getting the amazing Betty Boo on the decks of clubs everywhere. Praise be!

2007-07-08T15:23:00.000-07:00

Kirkland Ciccone's Pop Hell. It has a nice rhythm to it, doesn't it? Why am I spend time doing podcasts? Well, performance art is boring now and I feel like a bit of a challenge. I'm a bit obsessed with pop music and there isn't really any avenue bar a few websites now for pop fetishists to visit. Popworld was cancelled on Channel 4, Top Of The Pops was dumped and Smash Hits died the day it made Rachel Stevens 'guest editor'. So what can you expect on the monthly Pop Hell podcast? News, reviews, observations and bitchy brilliance. I will use this site to vent my spleen and give you information to co-ordinate the pop resistance against the vicious indie oppresors. On the side I do some writing for This Is Fake DIY, Neu Magazine, Rock Louder and now I'll be writing for cool zine Bubblegum Slut.

What is on Kirkland Ciccone's Pop Hell?

Kirkland Gets Random: I discuss the news and scrutinise events in the world of pop music.

Bitches Who Need To Eat Lead: I target a band or singer for a verbal bashing.

The Amazing Adventures Of Joss Stone: Joss Stone, soul singer extraordinaire, travels the world 'looking for tracks' in this new series of mini soaps.

Kirkland's Pop Knighthood: I tip groups or singers I think are poptastic. Usually found on MySpace or via promos I get sent by record labels.

These and much more when I publish the first Podcast. There will also be links to iTunes so you can subscribe to my Pop Hell and get it automatically for your iPod. Hurrah! Please remember to leave a nice message and go to my official MySpace for tour dates (my day job as a performance artist and tall tale teller) and other news. Ta.